Introduction – It was once a small vacation destination where people from Toronto

would come and rent a cabin and fish and or drink all weekend long. My parents

move up to this little down in 1957 after already having 3 children. My oldest

brother being born while my Dad was off fighting in WW2. My mother, was born

and raised in the depression era too. Our family numbers expanded as we lived in

the small 3 bedroom bungalow, my Dad and grandfather built. My parents had six

of us children, spread out in age over 45 years. My mother was 40 when I was born

and 45 when she gave birth to my sister Penny. Penny was born with downs

syndrome.

How do you pack almost 65 years of testimony into a 15 minutes when I tend to

write books, even my text messages are usually a page long. Do I tell about the

time I was painting the picnic table with dark green paint wearing my new white

running shoes? Mum called me in for lunch and I jumped down backwards

forgetting the green can of paint was on the ground both my small feet landed

inside the can. Impossible, but that is how small my feet were. Even Mum laughed.

There was a family who moved in across the street when I was about six. Nine

children. The boys were my brother’s age and five of the girls were a year apart

and I had a friend to play with for each day of the week. A rough bunch. It was a

rough lake town. A fighter town. Seemed to be families of rivalry. Kind of like a

daily Jerry Springer show. We fought knock em down drag them down fights.

Someone always went home crying. Not really the norm for most women to fight. I

had many fights growing up.

After writing my memoirs and looking back, I have come to realize that there is a

warrior inside of me, ready for battle. Now, I turn it into righteous anger against the

spiritual powers of darkness, In Jesus Name! In doing so have been delivered from

many of the lies of the enemy always whispering in my ears. At times it does seem

there is always a devil sitting on my shoulder who sometimes tries to whisper.

The years between 8 and 9 years old, were transforming events which took place:

That family moved away and they were the only friends I had for that couple of

years. I felt so lost and alone when they moved.

1I remember sobbing when my older sister married and when she and her husband

drove away that night. I thought she was leaving forever too.

My grandmother also had a stroke during that time and we visited her in the

hospital. She didn’t look like Grandma anymore. She stopped eating and she died. I

didn’t really grieve her death. It was like she went away to heaven or something.

What did I know about death? My tadpole Molly died and I cried. Mum and I

buried Molly.

My oldest brother Larry, was married to his wife Sue. They came to our house on

weekends. I clung to her like a shadow. If she sat in a chair, I sat on the arm of the

chair. They had a baby girl. That year in December, Mum and I said our good night

prayer, the way we always, a rhyming prayer that I still say with my grandchildren.

That night was different, Mum got a phone call that Sue was hit by a car. Mummy

said, we need to pray to God that Sue will be okay. We did pray. The next day, at

school I walked around the school yard by myself like I did most days. All I could

think about was Sue. I prayed a childlike prayer talking to God. Which I did many

times as a child when I was alone. This day when I went home, everyone was sad.

My brother told me Sue had died. At Christmas Larry gave gift from Sue. It was a

gold ring with initials on it. It was just like her ring. I always told her that I liked

her ring. My brother, watched as I opened it with tears in his eyes. I tried to be so

excited. I just wanted Sue back. I did cherish that ring and when it one finger out

grew it I on my baby finger up until my honeymoon when I was washing the sand

off my hands and the waves pulled the ring off my finger. My initials were no

longer BW. I thought that was Sue’s of saying it was time to let her go. I always

wondered why God did not answer that prayer that Mummy and I said.

My teen years all throughout high school, I was lonely, didn’t fit. Didn’t have a

best girlfriend like so many other girls had. I watched them walking the halls

together. I wanted an Anne of Green Gable kind of friend.

I was between 15 or 16 when a family bought my parents business and we moved

to a cottage across the street. An older girl moved into our old home. When we met

I really liked her and attached myself to her. I finally had girlfriend. Sure, I always

played road hockey with the boys. It was not the same. I was not a boy. Then she

moved to Germany. Again, I was so sad to say goodbye. I was depressed and cried

for weeks. Separation anxiety.

This began a cycle of obsession for me. Then I met my first serious boyfriend, who

I would marry. While we were dating, I got a job down in Toronto. Totally

unqualified. The receptionist there liked me and I believe she influenced her boss

to hire me. We hit it off right away. I was all in. Then after a year she quit and

again I was broken-hearted. Friends leave. A new receptionist was hired in her

place. I did not want anything to do with her. My wall was up. One day she said the

magic words. I bet we could be best friends. Attachment again. It was not before I

truly believed we were best friends. We hung out all the time. We played music

together. We dressed the same, cut our hair the same. We seemed a lot alike. She

sang at my wedding. She grew up as a Christian. Whatever that really meant? She

seemed emotional and cried when she asked me if I had accepted Jesus. I asked,

“What do you mean?” I knew about God and had talked to God all through my

childhood. I had not heard about a relationship with Jesus. Mum always sent me to

church that message never clicked until years later.

Our friendship became very toxic and compromising. Our friendship truly wrecked

me. Very much demonic influence. Again, my obsession to having a best friend

was detrimental in that it just created more mental illness, deeper depression a

spiritual battle. That friendship ended. The effects of the toxicity, plagued me for

many years, even after I became a Christian. Eventually, I Spiritually, fought the

battle for the mind by rebuking the lies attacking my thoughts and Jesus set me

free. I never had that need for a best friendship again. It took years.

My husband and I moved to a new house, in Cookstown and started a new chapter

together. Things seemed to go along good for a little while. I joined a competitive

ladies baseball team. Started going to a church. Our two children started school.

Maegan and Kyle were christened. My family came that day. That was the last time

I would see my brother Larry.

It was 1989 when we got a phone that my nephew was in the hospital and could

die. Bacterial meningitis. That week we prayed for Jason the only way we knew

how with a desperate faith. Many people prayed. Larry was sick with pneumonia. I

talked to him on the phone that week and he told me about Jason. He told me he

had a cold and was trying to fight it. He was in his 44th year. That long weekend in

September my Mum phoned, and I thought she was going to tell me about Jason.

She said Jason was doing a little better and stabilized. But she told me that Larry

3had died that Sunday on his bed.

Larry’s death sent me on a quest for answers. I was looking into reincarnation,

reading Shirley Mclean books. I wanted to know my brother was alive somewhere

else. Where did he go? This was a life shift, a spiritual awakening for me as I

searched for truth.

One day a neighbour came to my door. This bubbly woman with some cupcakes in

hand, and big smile and introduced herself to me. Long of the short is she invited

me to her church. I began going to the Baptist Church and joined their choir. After

a few months of evangelical teaching, I understood that I was a sinner and needed

to repent and follow Jesus. I was convicted in my Spirit and prayed and received

Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I was baptised a year later.

There was new passion for the Bible and it’s teachings a Holy Spirit fire writhing

my new found relationship with Christ. I stopped writing depressing songs. I was

worshipping Jesus in my living room everyday while the children were at school.

Holy Spirit gave me many songs and poems to write. Life seems to weave and

flow.

Then tragedy struck our family again as my brother in-law and his wife split up.

He was really struggling and always wanting to talk about it with everyone. He

talked to my husband Don a lot. One day in our kitchen he was saying he felt like

he wanted to kill himself. I didn’t take it that serious. I could understand in a small

way the rejection and depression. But I was not in his shoes. Yea, I have felt that

way at times like just driving my car off road into a tree. He said, “No, I would do

it.” A week later he shot himself. We all went to the funeral. He had two young

boys, now without a father. It was so hard on the family. He was only 28. He was

handsome, had a beautiful smile. It was such a sad time for our family.

That same year, I had to go to my friend funeral. He jumped off the Bloor Street

Bridge. I had just seen him at my brother’s funeral the year before.

Life went on and few years went by. The Airport revival happened. That is when I

experienced the power and moving of Holy Spirit in a different way. Many of us

at our church did. I left the Baptist church and went to a place called the Upper

Room, where I moved in the gifts of the Holy Spirit, lead worship to this small

group of people. Things were happening. My sister Penny received a healing in her

4neck when a faith healer prayed over her. I also had a God visitation at the Upper

Room Retreat. It was one of many Spiritual highlights of my life.

The message spoke to me- “Am I not calling you to a higher will, to a perfect

will? In your will, you make allowances. In My will, I make perfection.”

Our family went to a new church for the next seven years. My husband finally

became Christian. Our children went to youth group. One Easter Sunday, my 80

year old Mom, my daughter and my husband where baptised. My little sister Penny

who was born Down syndrome, was saying praise Jesus with no inhibition. My

husband and I had couple friends. Life seemed on the right tract. I was writing my

memoir book “When Time Stands Still”.

One day we got a phone that my sister in-law Laurie had died. Laurie was the same

age as me 43, years old at the time. There was a police investigation. We all had to

be integrated separately by the police as they asked many questions about Laurie.

Did she do drugs? No! Did she drink? Not much! Did she suffer with depression?

We didn’t know. She was always bubbly. There were issues at this time. Her health,

her separation from her partner of 15 years, who our children called Uncle Willie.

There were subtle changes in her. We were surprised to hear she was also 6 month

pregnant with twin boys and had been at the doctors that week. The man she was

living with who we believe was the father of the babies called the police and got a

lawyer right away so he could not be asked questions. We had a funeral with all

these unanswered questions which were never answered to this day. The message

at the funeral was “How do we live the dash?” We have a day we are born and a

day when die and the dash in-between.

Three months later at Christmas, Uncle Willy, jumped out of the Orillia hospital

window to his death. I talked to him at Laurie’s funeral and again knew he was

suicidal. The grief he was clothed in that day was as black as could be. I even

asked our Pastor to pray for him.

A couple months later, good news came and I received the first copy of my book

“When Time Stands Still”. I wrote this book with prayer, tears, scripture verses a

bible study of truths to live by. I thought this book would save so many people and

bring them to Jesus. I could not have believed anything more. I held that copy in

my hands. My joy and jubilation was was quickly derailed when I found out my

husband was in another adulterous relationship with another woman.

When I found out we told our children that he was moving and why. At this time

5our son has gone off to tech school in Toronto. Our daughter was just about to

finishing up high school. He moved out that Easter weekend. I did hope he would

come to his senses and come back. That didn’t happen. That week a young girl

Lisa, on our hockey team at the age of 23 died on her birthday in a car accident.

That week my mother told me my brother Glen had stage 4 colon cancer. That

week our hockey team went to the funeral and I had an anxiety attack standing at

her coffin. So young and talented. So full of life. Again, I stood at another coffin of

so many. My world was crashing to the ground. I was angry at God. So angry. Why

God? Why?

That anger lasted a long time. It never destroyed my faith. I can see when I look

back now, how God has brought me through the fires of my life time and again.

Sure, there were times when I felt God was not there. I thought, God didn’t answer

my prayers. Now, I believe God heard every prayer. He heard and still hears every

prayer. Sadly, evil in this world and many of the consequences of that evil and bad

choices created much of these tragedies. God wept with me probably more tears

than I wept. I wept a lot. The Bible tells us he catches every tear in bottle. Maybe

that is why it rains. I have come to accept that God’s way are not always my ways,

in that God knows the full picture and I don’t. His ways are perfect as he is perfect.

That lesson. In His Will He Makes Perfection

I have to keep my testimony short. That was short. LAUGH! Since my broken

marriage, at times of coping with my own feelings of attack on my womanhood,

the emptiness syndrome, selling our home and the broken pieces of that puzzle

which day by day are put into that perfect spot for God’s glory. God, molded me

into such a stronger person because of what I went through. Stronger, than I was all

the years before. He set me free from my friend obsessions. He will let me go

around that mountain again and again until I learn the lesson. That place in my

heart, belongs to Jesus and no one else. God has turned my mourning into dancing

as I want to dance when I worship HIM, my Saviour. When I realize the depth

God’s love and His ways are higher than My Ways, I can rejoice and spin and twirl

because of His sacrifice for me and the debt he paid for all my sin, in all my anger,

in all the ways I have at times insulted him, lacking understanding. HIS grace

(giving me what I don’t deserve – life eternal and forgiveness) and HIS mercy

(God not giving me what I do deserved which is eternal death – because the wages

of my sin should be death but He offers me life) God has shown me His Holiness.

Streams of tears flood my cheeks whenever the Holy Spirit pours onto me during

worship. His healing balm of love. I can’t help but let my tears fall before the feet

6of Jesus. His love is so true and it is more than I can say. I melt in His peace. It is

overwhelming. That is song for my heart.

We all go through many trials along our journey. Part of the sanctification process.

I have sat again at the bedside of my dying sister Penny and whispered in her ear as

she was passing away, and then one another impacting moment of brokenness

sitting holding my mother’s hand the morning she died, after watching her suffer

all night long. Again, I was angry at God and could not understand why he allowed

her to suffer. Yet, once again, I eventually realized the true perspective. It took time

for me to mourn and grieve the loss I felt in my heart and life. God uses suffering

for good, in ways we don’t always see or understand.

In it all, God redeems the time, just as he redeems my soul. Each day, I thank him

for all the restoration he has given to me. A wonderful husband in my seconds

marriage, a family I love and enjoy. Our precious grandchildren and so much more.

I still struggle with things. We will struggle, until we cross over into that eternal

heaven where there is no more pain or sorrow or death. Until then we use our

testimony not to glorify our sufferings but to glory Jesus who walks with us

through them all. I imagine the puzzle completed within a picture of me sitting at

the feet of Jesus as he sits on the throne. His words spoken, “Welcome home

child.”

We become overcomers through it all by HIS mighty right Hand at work to bring

him honour and glory. Pain into healing. Death into life. Hate into Love. All we

suffered, Jesus has suffered too. Why? Because God so loved the World He gave

His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have

everlasting LIFE. Praise Jesus